Gawd but the Internet seems to be full of advice these days. If you’re not sick you need to be spending your time worried about getting sick, while eating only superfoods regardless of the seasonal availability of fruits or how darn annoying it is to peal a pomegranate, (bright red stains on everything anyone?) If you’re not worried about getting sick, can I interest you in worrying about how your favorite fictional characters are doing?
I know it’s mostly my own fault. Facebook probably already knows that I’m a bit of a worrier, and I imagine that the more of these things I click on, the more I’m going to be inundated with, but still. Make. It. Stop.
This week the Internet was full of helpful tidbits that I’d rather not think about. Here are five terribly inconvenient things I learned this week:
1 – Men, and especially men over 40, shouldn’t eat soy.
Well great. Just great. My comedy husband is a vegetarian who recently turned 40, and might you guess what we eat at least once a week? That’s right! Tofu! Soy-based meat replacers! All sorts of soy products! We are not going to stop eating tofu, do you have any idea how many things on the menu we already can’t eat? And that meat is in EVERYTHING? And that if there is one item at a restaurant that is not meat it is probably going to involve soy? How about you just shoot me.
This unwelcome piece of advice doesn’t actually come from the Internet, but from daytime television, arguably a worse place for unwelcome information. I saw a segment of Steven and Chris featuring JJ Virgin, the author of The Virgin Diet, a book that claims you will lose 7 pounds in a week by simply cutting out “7 foods.” What it does not specify on the cover (I guess you have to buy the book) is that those seven foods are soy, gluten, eggs, corn, peanuts, milk products, and sugar.
THAT IS NOT WORTH LOSING A MEASLY SEVEN POUNDS ARE YOU NUTS? YOU CAN PRY THIS WHEEL OF CHEESE OUT OF MY COLD DEAD HANDS THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
2 – TOXINS are everywhere and there’s basically nothing you can do about it.
The Gazette this week reported exciting new research indicating that it is best to avoid toxins, because essentially our bodies are helpless to fight them. As the Canadian researchers and authors explain: “Our bodies are built with very efficient detox systems, but they were built to deal with things like bacteria, or foreign elements that are natural…They weren’t built to detox synthetic chemicals and hormone-disrupting chemicals. Our bodies don’t do a very good job of that.”
Well perfect, this changes everything! Before I was pretty intent on absorbing, eating, and breathing as many toxins as possible but now I will consider just avoiding all the toxins, the ones in our makeup, air, food, cars, walls, and offices. That shouldn’t be hard.
Oh, and while we’re on the subject of toxins:
3 – Apparently there’s plastic in Subway sandwich bread.
Or essentially the same chemical that is used to make yoga mats fluffy is also used to make Subway bread fluffy. Gross. I mean, this doesn’t really come as that much of a surprise I guess, there was always something wrong with that bread. The consistency didn’t seem possible somehow, and that weird nauseating bread smell that comes out of those ‘restaurants’ just didn’t seem right. Now we know.
This information was brought to our attention by blogger Vana Hari whose petition has actually provoked a response from Subway. The company is now promissing to start removing the chemical from its breads.
Blogger takes on large corporation and enacts change! This is a feel-good story, except when taken in conjunction with that last point. Your yoga mat is inside you, try not think about it. (Don’t worry, the yoga mat in me recognizes the yoga mat in you.)
In totally unrelated news:
4 – JK Rowling regrets coupling up Ron and Hermione
[7-year-old spoilers alert]
We keep getting these tantalizing extra tidbits from JK Rowling. Remember when she told the world Dumbledore was gay and we were all like “Oh I guess so, but you could have probably been a bit more obvious about it if you’re going to be all like ‘DUH’ a few years later?”
While I love any excuse to access my near encyclopedic knowledge of all things Potter, I don’t know how I feel about having to question the romantic future of Ron and Hermione. Can’t we just stay happy about the happy things we’re left with? I mean, I don’t know about you but I still haven’t gotten over the loss of Fred, Snape, Dobby, Syrius Black, or even Dumbledore, so maybe just leave me with my warm feelings about Ron and Hermione, no? This all leads me to wonder what news we are going to receive about the Potterverse next?
And speaking of doomed romance:
5 – Valentines Day is Next week
Courtesy of EVERYWHERE, it is completely impossible to miss this fact. I don’t care for Valentines day, except for as a means to get people out of the house and into a comedy club so comedians can get paid. Valentines day being a work day for my comedy husband, I get to blissfully ignore it, except that it’s EVERYWHERE.
Also, in typically hilarious form, The Oatmeal has had the last word about Valentines day, so there’s nothing more we can even say about it.
What do you think? What inconvenient and slightly upsetting things did you learn on the Internet and TV this week? What’s the next thing we’ll learn about the Potterverse? Let me know in the comments!