It is a common relationship problem to be caught fighting with your partner in a place where you shouldn’t, it is a uniquely comedy wife problem to be caught fighting with your partner on a podcast.
I was having one of those weeks. I affectionately like to call this particular time “Don’t poke the bear week.” It’s no big deal, I can do anything from horseback riding to aerial gymnastics, but I’m more likely to be on the couch eating chocolate. And I can certainly contain the rage bubbling just under the surface of my pleasant demeanor, but be warned that it is wise to avoid poking the bear.
You know how some arguments just simmer for a while before coming to a full boil. Neither of you want to argue, there is no real problem, you’re just stressed and nattering at each other for no good reason. We were running late, it was wet out, and we were hungry.
Since it was completely my fault that we were late, the plan was I would go next door and order food for Mike as he went to record his podcast with Walter and Keith, then I would hand-deliver the veggie burger to Jimbo’s, interrupting the podcast. Mike was sure he told me to check to make sure there were condiments. I was sure he had not.
So Catherine and I are having a grand ole time next door at the Irish Embassy, talking about weddings and junk, when I get Mike’s burger and say I’ll just pop over with it to Jimbo’s. Up until this point reason and clear heads have prevailed.
As I walked in to the room where the podcast was happening I was a bit shy, the door opening was really loud and they were in the middle of something, but everyone made me feel really welcome, seeing as I was carrying food. All that changed when Mike opened his burger to find no condiments. Shit.
Now a reasonable reaction would have been “Oh crap, I can’t believe they didn’t put any condiments on that burger, I don’t want to run down all those stairs and go get you more, but I guess I will have to since you can’t leave in a middle of a podcast.”
But I was hungry and it was don’t poke the bear week. So my actual reaction was more like:
“f-bomb f-bomb c-bomb I am not going downstairs to get you condiments you stupid a-bomb, I am wearing heels f-bomb. YOU’LL JUST HAVE TO EAT YOUR DAMN BURGER DRY YOU f-bombing A-bomb!”
And so on.
I knew that they were doing a podcast, I realized that I was being unreasonable and loud, and I could tell that Walter and Keith were either uncomfortable or amused, but I also could not stop myself. I just kept swearing and raging at full volume. There was no saving this train wreck so I might as well try to win the argument.
This was all beyond embarrassing. Made more infuriating by Keith’s repeated promises that he would in no way be omitting the argument from his podcast. In the end, there was nothing I could do but walk away before I made it worse, and obviously come back with the condiments. Which I was clearly going to do the whole time so what, you may ask, was the point in going on about it?
And I would say to you: Don’t poke the bear.
I guess we’ll have to wait for the next Go Plug Yourself to see if the fight really has been caught on tape for posterity. If so, I will deal with it with good grace and humor, but a secret part of me doesn’t want anyone other than Mike to know what a bitch I am. Is that too much to ask?