Dear Chaperone Quarterly,

Readers of Chaperone Quarterly will understand the special kind of awkwardness that is trying to kiss your lady friend in front of an accountable third party. Having recently gone on a date chaperoned by Montreal entertainer Mike Paterson, I feel like I might be able to write the book on awkward experiences, or at the very least, a letter to Chaperone Quarterly.

The day started out pretty nicely, we headed out of Montreal towards Knowlton, a town where my lady friend had spent some pleasant summers with her family. I must say that it was a bit strange when Mike insisted on sitting in the passenger side. He claimed to have a sore back but obviously he was just trying to split us up, or perhaps eliminating any possibility of hand holding during the drive. Anyway, we talked about wrestling the whole way up, an interest we all share. It was after the wrestling talk dried up that the problems really began.

Everything started out OK.
Everything started out OK.

We decided to have lunch at Knowlton Pub, because they had the most attractive terrace on this sunny afternoon. What we didn’t realize until too late was that the place was too understaffed to handle the weekend rush. Having already exhausted our wrestling talk, we soon ran out of pleasantries about the weather. Our meals took over an hour to arrive and for most of that time we just sat there in silence, with Mike Paterson glaring at us, as though daring us to do something inappropriate just for a change of scenery.

Notice how the people behind us are looking for their waitress.
Notice how the people behind us are looking for their waitress.

When our meals finally came we were beyond hungry, but unfortunately the food left much to be desired. My lady and I found our duck burgers to be underwhelming, but we tried our best to swallow our disappointment along with our fare. It was Mr. Paterson who put up a fuss about his meal.

I can’t really blame Mike for being upset, he had ordered a veggie burger but had gotten it sans patty. Turns out they had run out of veggie patties right before our table came up so they just threw some toppings on a bun and sent it out.

It’s one thing to have a chaperone on your date, it’s quite another to have a hungry, pissed off chaperone. After lunch the mood was effectively ruined. As readers of this publication will know, there are certain tricks to getting around a chaperone, but none of them worked for us this time.

We tried distracting Mike Paterson with fudge, but we couldn’t even get a few secret cuddles in before he had eaten all of his portion. I guess he was hungry. Next we tried keeping Mike Paterson busy with ducks, but for once there were no adorable ducks in Knowlton. Just our luck!

Before driving back home we went to the beach where I managed to get in a few chaste kisses before our chaperone yelled “hey! You two! Quit that, for proprieties sake!” Then we drove home through the fading afternoon in uncomfortable silence.

I can’t wait till we’re married and it’s socially acceptable to be seen together in public.


Walter J Lyng


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