It’s spring in Montreal, is anybody still thinking about their New Year’s resolutions? Have we all given up and moved on by now? This year I had a great New Year’s Resolution: Be less of a klutz. I am the absolute worst, I stub my toes while walking, cut my fingers while cooking, I poke myself in the eye when I talk too animatedly, I even have a standing feud with my Brita filter. While I want it to provide me with lightly filtered water, it would rather constantly get knocked over by me, releasing torrent upon torrent of water onto my beautiful hardwood floors.
Being less of a klutz is probably a good idea, but just how does one go about this? I actually found my answer in a very unlikely place, turns out the blueprint to a better life was hiding on my social media feed the whole time. Through reading some helpful and repetitive lists, I discovered that the solution to my problem of being less of a klutz, and many other problems associated with our hectic modern lives, is practicing mindfulness.
These days the art of being non-judgementally present in the moment is touted everywhere from therapists offices, to yoga studios, to corporate jargon. There’s got to be something to it.
Fantastic, if I move through my life with more care and attention, I will probably not impale myself on the pair of scissors I’m running with right? But how do I integrate mindfulness practice into my life anyway? Turns out, it’s as easy as taking a walk in high heels!
You too can learn how to integrate mindfulness into your daily routine, just follow these three easy steps:
The Comedy Wives guide to living holistically, mindfully, and probably even paleolithically:
Step 1 – Go for a walk in high heels.
High heels are torture devices made to make women’s (and men’s) asses look better. They are not made for getting where you are going in the kind of rush that modern living necessitates. That is why high heels are perfect for mindfulness practice, the pain in your feet and the difficulty you have navigating icy terrain means you will have to move slower and really appreciate what’s around you.
Try it yourself, take a slow, agonizing walk through the springtime streets of Montreal in high heels. You will really be able to take in the pervasive smell of dog shit hanging just a few inches above the pavement in every direction. Let your mind non-judgementally contemplate all those selfish assholes who chose to pretend that their pooch didn’t just shit, maybe just one time, perhaps in one of the thousands of blizzards we had this winter, so that that gem of a poop could freeze there, and emerge fully intact and putrescent come spring, to add to all the other poops filling the air with their melody of stinks. Then let those thoughts just filter away into the air, as the dog shit smell eventually will, sometime around May.
Step 2 – Wear a short skirt too.
Wearing a short skirt can really up your mindfulness quotient when experiencing early spring in Montreal. You can really become one with the present moment as you feel every single eyeball trained hungrily onto your exposed legs. The Montreal male hasn’t seen skin for nearly six years (accuracy questionable) so he may even emit a loud yelping sound, or some sort of half-brained catcall out of his salivating mouth. These random sounds will have the pleasing effect of jarring your brain out of whatever negative spiral it’s in this time, and you will come to realize that you probably did turn the iron off before you left the house, and in any case, there’s not much you can do about it now, you are not walking back there in these heels.
Step 3 – Additionally, forget your sunglasses on a sunny spring day.
The blinding sun burning into your winter-weakened eyeballs will make it nearly impossible for you to be anywhere but the present moment. A calm and centred vigilance will be necessary in order to avoid running into people, dogs, and random water dripping from above, and that will only make you more present. Notice as you go the other dazed and blinded folks stumbling through the street, like mole people coming out of their holes after a long winter’s hibernation. Try not to startle them.
As an added bonus, this step will ensure that you are so blinded upon your return indoors that you will not be able to even see the screen of your phone for at least a full twenty minutes. Hell, there’s you’re mindfulness exercise for the day right there!