Leave it to the professionals: the diva cup joke

Flowers that look like vaginas

‘Leave it to the professionals’ is a place for us to talk about jokes. Sometimes we write a joke on purpose and our comedy husbands don’t use it, sometimes a joke falls out of our mouths and they do use it, and other times something weird or humiliating happens and it turns into a thing that gets talked about on stage. We might also occasionally talk about jokes that didn’t originate from our embarrassing incidents , and that’s fine too. Today I’m going to talk about my vagina.

Something happened to us in the pharmacy and I wrote a blog post about it.  As I do with all my writing, showed it to my comedy husband Mike Paterson for approval. He liked it so much that he immediately co-opted it for his act. This occasionally happens, when you spend a lot of time with a comedian chances are he’ll steal the words right out of your mouth. (“That was funny, can I take that?” ) Mike is a gentleman and offers the huge amount of ten dollars per joke. The trick is for comedians to hang out with non-comedians, like musicians for example.

When Mike took the concept out for a spin on our Tuesday night it went great. He worked it out for a bit and for a while we thought that it was going to be part of the regular set but it ended up in the good jokes that just didn’t work pile. Actually, it’s been in the pile for some time now, but I loved this joke so much that I held out, asking for it to be put back in rotation. But, as we know, what the comedy wife wants is not always best for the show. (Trust me on this one ladies, it’s a hard rule but a good one.)

My favorite part about this joke was the way Mike had to spend some time before getting into it convincing men that it was OK to listen to a joke about periods. I hate that it’s so taboo to talk about periods, really anywhere and ever. I mean, it happens to half the population very freaking often, you would think that it would be fun to laugh at it sometimes.

red wine

Anyway, guys would screw up their faces and groan and Mike would say something to the effect of “Listen dudes, you’ve been laughing at my barrage of dick jokes all night, so just shut up and let me tell a vagina joke ok?” I loved that, it made me happy. I mean, sure it might be more appropriate for a woman to tell a vagina joke, but really, I’ll take any vagina joke, I don’t honestly care where it comes from, as long as it’s: a. reasonably respectful and b. funny.

 rose paint

So here it is, the vagina joke that started it all, you’ll just have to imagine in the parts where I say “my vagina” instead you have a big bald dude saying “my wife’s vagina.” Easy right?

I’m happy now because I have a new Diva Cup, I had lost mine and was using tampons like a sucker, an angry, uncomfortable, sucker. Now that I can finish my special time with my wonderful new Diva Cup, I’m infinitely more cheerful and sane.

now I can go horseback riding
now I can go horseback riding

My new cup fits like a dream. There was some question of fit. I was reading the side of the box at the pharmacy and I wasn’t sure which of the two sizes to choose. Size 1 was for women under thirty who had never given birth (either vaginally or by c-section) and Size 2 was for women over thirty and/or had given birth. I was flummoxed because I am just over thirty, but I have not given birth. Technically I fit into the second category, the slightly larger Diva Cup size, but I had no idea that being over thirty meant I now had a bigger vagina. My last Diva Cup was a size one and it still fit fine last time I used it a month ago. Should I get the larger vagina model?

This was obviously a question only my life partner Mike Paterson could help me with. He knew the size of my vagina better than anyone. So I called him over to the feminine hygiene products aisle and discretely pointed out my dilemma. “Read this, am I number one or number two? Which one should I buy?”

measureI know that sarcasm doesn’t transfer to the written blog, so I should point out that it’s probably slightly unfair or even dumb to ask your male partner about female hygiene product or vagina sizing advice. But actually he was brilliant about it, “Well, which size was your last one? And did it fit? Ok, then buy that one.” simple, effective advice.

Say goodbye to pesky blue liquid
Say goodbye to pesky blue liquid

It was while we were standing in that auspicious aisle discussing vagina size that a pretty young make-up counter lady came over to offer her help with a sweet, “Excuser moi, est-ce que je peux vous aider?”

We stopped what we were doing long enough to turn around and basically scream right in her face, “NON!”

Slightly taken aback by our venomous reaction, but still undeterred, she assured us “Quoi que ce soit, je peux vous aider a faire une decision.”,

As Mike said afterwards “No, twenty two year old hot chick, I do not want to discuss my girlfriend’s vagina size with you.” But all we said was, once again in unison: “NON MERCI!”

Poor girl, she likely did not overhear our previous conversation, since we were talking in English, she probably assumed that I was wondering if I should try this Diva Cup thing that seems so neat. Clearly she didn’t know that my big old vagina has been around the diva block since it was called the keeper, an item that looked and felt like a toilet plunger.

plunger
There’s that mysterious blue liquid again!

She likely thought she could explain to me how it works, what it does, and that most women who try it seem to like it. For her efforts we practically hissed at her, like a couple of angry pussy cats.

[Angry pussy not pictured]

So that was my side of the story, for your viewing enjoyment I uploaded an iPhone video of Mike Paterson doing the Diva Cup joke before it ended up on the cutting room floor. Enjoy and please let me know which version of the story is better!

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