Nathan Macintosh and Chris Gordon can’t take my interview seriously

I worked hard on this, Ok guys? Why can’t you guys take me seriously you guys? I talked to Nathan Macintosh and Chris Gordon when they were both in town headlining the Comedy Nest and the Comedy Works respectively. Being such great friends they decided to do the interview together. I’m never doing that again.

Monika: What are you looking for in a Comedy Wife?

Nathan: [response redacted]

Chris: [response withheld]

(ed note: I probably should mention that we had just been playing cards against humanity so our heads were in the worst possible space for an interview. Although brunch at Tim’s house will tend to put one in an unreasonable head-space anyway. It’s really fun, but totally unfit for public consumption.)

Nathan: Somebody that gets jokes? You want someone with a sense of humor right?

Chris: are you going with real answers?

Nathan: I don’t know? No?

Chris: I’m good either way, but it’s more fun doing the bad answers, because people’ll like reading that. Except some people apparently.

Monika: You can do whatever you want. Next question: How do you think being a comedian has affected your romantic life?

Chris: can you put an asterisk by mine too and say that that I bang so many chicks now.

Monika : And how was that different from before you were a comedian?

Chris: Well I bang way more chicks now than dudes.

Nathan: Before, I don’t even know, I dated people, I was in school. It wasn’t really that different.

Monika: Off the record – and remember that we’re bloggers, not journalists, so we might not know what off the record means –  are you still accepting  blow jobs after the show?

Nathan: NO! I never got blow jobs after the show. Wait, are we talking just blowjobs, like nothing else?

Monika: Sure, just a blow job.

Nathan: Like you, would you want just a blow job?

Chris: Yes.

Nathan: NO! We’re adults. What is this ‘just a blow job?’

Chris: What are you talking about?

Nathan: We’re adults. This is ridiculous. You don’t do just blow jobs. It’s ridiculous. We’re adults. What are you going to do? Just stand here doing nothing and getting… No no no, preposterous.

(ed note: Nathan did not say preposterous. I think he said ridiculous a few more times. He really had a full head of steam about this issue. This is typical of Nathan’s unique comedy style, you never know when he’s going to go off on a hilarious rant for a few minutes. Still, I think he probably should have said preposterous, going on like an offended old man like he was.)

Chris: I don’t do blow jobs unless I’m in a committed relationship. Which I know is going to sound like a joke but it’s a real answer.

Nathan: You mean you don’t accept blow jobs? Why?

Chris: Because I’m a relationship guy.

Nathan: I hear you. I mean, I’ve gotten blow jobs, but not just blow jobs. Nobody’s ever offered me just a blow job. Now I feel bad…

Monika: So would you accept a theoretical blow job then?

Nathan: I’d say no. I’d be upset that the offer was just a blow job. I’d probably say ‘What? Are we in grade eight?’

Monika: Has comedy ever ruined any of your relationships and what aspect of comedy was the deal breaker?

Nathan: Yes and ALL OF IT. The whole comedy thing!

Chris: [response withheld.]

Monika: Do you write about your romantic life? What inspires you to write jokes about sex and love?

Nathan: Um, YEAH. What inspires me? Uh sex and love. I get inspired about sex … just sitting around counting quarters, or … polishing my bowling trophies. Yeah, I would say that I write about those things.

Chris: I have a story about breaking my penis, I tell it in my set.

Monika: (continuing from the script) Do you have any ridiculous stories about sex and dating that you would like to share with us:

Chris: Well. I broke. My. Dick. With my ex-girlfriend, and I share the story with people, publicly, at every show.

Monika: And how does she feel about that?

Chris: Uh, we’re broken up so… Wait. How does SHE feel? I broke my dick!

At this point Tim Rabnett interrupts to ask Chris if a part of his dick may have been left, um behind, and proceedings basically break down for a while.

Nathan : A girl punched my dick once. She just took it out and, like, slapped it very hard, and then immediately after that she said “do you have a condom?”  I told her to leave

Chris: Why didn’t you just get a blow job? See? This is what happens, you just get blow jobs.

Nathan: No she just went right to “do you have a condom after slapping it.” I said “ I don’t think we can do this” and she got really offended. But I stand by my decision to this day.

Monika: Do you think there is a romantic advantage to being the man on stage?

Nathan had some difficulty answering this question. I wish I could convey the look of disgust and confusion on his face as he repeated the question to be be sure he was getting it right. “Do I think there is a romantic advantage to being the man on stage?” Eventually he settled down.

Nathan: No. There are a lot of maniacs that talk to you after the show.  You know? A lot of the girls that are like ‘yeah, I would blow a comedian,’ are also like, crazy weirdos. Who will probably bite your dick.

Chris: My answer is: Yes. I bang all the chicks at the show. All of them. Even the dudes. Can you put that?  EVEN the dudes.

I came up with one final question, just for Nathan Macintosh, because I’m cool like that.

Monika: How’s dating in New York?

Nathan: I have been in a relationship since I’ve been down there. So I have dated nobody in that world. I feel bad. I feel bad that I don’t have an answer.

Chris: Can I answer still?

Nathan: How’s dating in New York? Well, it’s pretty hard when you’re not there,  I set up a lot of dates, I can’t make them…

Chris: No, I want to answer the New York one. Because I’ve been there. And when I was there I uh, I banged. – Do you know how to spell banged? – I banged a chick on the top of the Statue of Liberty. Not like where you can go visit, but on the crown, like, I was on top. On the flame. I banged on the flame. And I just yelled America the whole time.

I apologize to everyone.

Photo of Chris Gordon by: Benjamin Tyler Perrin of BTP Photography

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Chris wanted me to add a note at the end to let you guys know that during the interview he banged, like, a couple of chicks. From one of them he received just a blowjob.

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