After a full day of Comedy Wives brunch and fireman party, Cat Raz and I and Cat Raz’s comedy fiancé went to see a pro wrestling show. Not just any pro wrestling show, but a local Montreal indie pro wrestling Christmas special put on by a syndicate called BATTLEWAR that let my comedy fiancé manage wrestlers occasionally. I don’t always like wrestling, but when I do it’s live. I love supporting the local scene, but indie wrestling shows are especially amazing. It’s the energy of the fans, it’s the passion of the wrestlers, it’s the bloody carnage of it all, or it’s Cat Raz sitting next to me offering hilarious commentary.
Top 10 Highlights from BATTLEWAR 15
1 – Franky the Mobster’s neck muscles.
I mean, he’s incredible. It was a treat for the eyes and the underwear area.
Cat Raz: “He’s got about 14 abs and 8 shoulders”
Then we started talking about his back abs, or babs, but things quickly deteriorated in cleverness from there. I mean. Look at him.
Just awesome! Here he is casually tossing the high-flying Twiggy into a gaggle of guys. What a tag-team!
2 – Green Phantom, wearing a santa hat, pinches his opponent’s balls with a pair of tongs he found under the tree.
I don’t know if I would be able to paint you a picture, luckily Jess Fildes captured the moment perfectly! It was great. It was a Hardcore Holiday Christmas Tree Match with your hardcore hero the Green Phantom and Beef Wellington facing down the tag-team Tabernak de Team. At least two more items on this list happened in the same match.
3- Green Phantom tosses a Christmas tree at Tabernak de Team.
4- After ending his Hardcore Holiday Christmas Tree match winning streak by losing to Tabernak de Team, Green Phantom elaborately pulls a tack out of Beef Wellingtons head.
Not for the faint of heart, but hella cool.
5- Vanessa Kraven’s Entrance
Cat Raz and I have major crushes now. She’s fantastic. The match was great too, she was fighting against this really hilarious slimeball who kept making super inappropriate jokes about abusing women, and then getting beat up by Vanessa Kraven. It sort of hurt in the gut, but still, splendid.
6 – Balcony jump
This happened at the main event, it was spectacular. It was a crazy match with an impressive six wrestlers including Big Bad Quentin (BBQ) Giant Tiger (BBQ’s slave), “Superstar” Shayne Hawke, Dirty Buxx Belmar, Player Uno and “Speedball” Mike Bailey. If you love watching people get slammed into things, each other, and into the bloodthirsty crowd, you would enjoy this match. (I wish I could stop myself from closing my eyes at each moment of impact but I’m the kind of person who calls matches splendid, so.)
But certainly the best part was when Dirty Buxx Belmar ran up the stairs to the second floor balcony, hung over the ledge, and leg dropped right onto his opponent laying prone on the ring. This fantastic finishing move earned him the first ever Battlewar Champion title!
7 – The table broke
At a pivotal moment in the Championship match, a table got thrown into the ring. Unfortunately it was thrown in a bit briskly and broke. Poor Dirty Buxx Belmar – who as Cat Raz rightly pointed out is ironically the hottest guy in Battlewar wrestling, ironic since his whole angle is being gross, and still, he remains hawt – had to steady the thing a couple of times before he could get his opponent on it. It was kind of cute, the sort of things only the two ladies in the corner would enjoy because the wrestler in question is sexy. I guess the rest of the audience was more frustrated that the move ended up being less spectacular, since the table would not take any weight.
8 – Mike Paterson’s promo.
Mike hobbles onto the ring with the help of a crutch, following after the wrestlers he manages, the tank men, he is wearing a neck brace and his arm is in a sling. He asks for the microphone.
You are looking at an injuuured maaaaan
Two Battlewars ago, The Green Phantom put me into a figure four leg lock and BROKE MY NECK.
He busted my arm, he broke my leg, and he broke something down there that I would rather. not. talk. about.
These men beside me ARE TANKS. Do you have any idea how difficult the last couple of weeks have been for them? They should be Tanking! Not taking care of their injured manager.
Cecil Tank, he is just a baby tank, he has to ZIP UP MY PANTS whenever I go to the bathroom.
… and Chaz Tank HAS TO HOLD IT.
And I know what you’re asking yourself, what happens when Mike Paterson goes number two?
Well, there is something you have got to know about me, I am a vegetarian so my bowel movements are PERFECT, and they come out perfectly formed so THERE IS NO NEED TO WIPE!
Also, IT HAS NO ODOR.
That’s right, I am sending a message to the ENTIRE Battle War Locker room. MIKE PATERSON’S SHIT DOESN’T STINK.
And whenever I go number 2 these guys just watch.
9 – Everybody shutting up and listening to Mike Paterson’s ridiculous promo.
I am always surprised when other people want to hear about my fiance’s shit.
10 – Beef Wellington’s Cow Pants
I mean, everything about the hardcore holiday Christmas tree match was great. You can see more of the pants here.