Top 10 Hottest Habs

There is no doubt that last night’s game was a heart breaker, but a good fan knows that it pays to be optimistic. There is a silver lining to all of this: hockey players are hella hot, and Habs players are the hottest of them all. Either we are in for one heck of a comeback, or else the boys are coming home for the summer. And more hot men roaming the streets of Montreal is never a bad thing.**

Here are our picks for Top Ten Hottest Habs!


Giggity. Giggity. Goo. (photo source:

An obvious place to begin, our Olympic-gold winning goalie is widely considered the most handsome member of our team. And with good reason – at 6’3″ with doe eyes, full lips and dimples that make me want to punch myself in the face, he could easily have a career as a model if he wasn’t so busy being one of the best players in the league. He also likes to dress like a sexy cowboy sometimes, which means you could scratch two fantasies off your list at the same time.

Giddyup. (photo source:

Our Rating: 10/10


Hello handsome. (photo source:

Not only is Subban our city’s most celebrated hero, but he’s also a grade-A cutie. Without a doubt, he has the most endearing smile in the league. I mean, look at him! He’s adorable. And by “adorable” I mean, HOLY FUCKING SHIT HAVE YOU SEEN HIM WITHOUT HIS SHIRT ON!???? HOT DAMN! HOT DAMN! HOT DAMN! Ladies, do yourselves a favour and follow this gentleman on Instagram. He likes to post photos like this one:

I don’t know what he’s doing, but I know I want to watch him doing it. (photo source:

Our Rating: 10/10


Oh god, I think I used to babysit you. (photo source:

A popular favourite with the Tumblr crowd, Gallagher is best known for his mischievous grin. He looks like your best friend’s shitty younger brother, the one who has always been a pain in the ass, but after your 4th beer at their family BBQ, you suddenly realize that you really should go bang him behind the garage.

At just 22 years old (He was born in the freakin’ 90’s, guys! The 90’s!!!) Gally is a great choice if you have a J-Lo, Madonna or Mary K. Letourneau fantasy to act out. A word of warning, though – He will ask you what your C-section scar is.

Our Rating: 10/10


*harp music* (photo source:

Lars Eller looks like a goddam angel fell to earth, ripped off his wings and picked up a hockey stick because the only way back to heaven is to ascend on the Stanley Cup. One of the few players that doesn’t seem to have any topless photos available on the internet, I can only assume that it’s because his delicate, porcelain skin would be burned by the heat of our lustful stares. Draw the blinds and apply an SPF of 50+ and you should be good to go.

Our Rating: 10/10


No helmet. No problem. (photo credit:

Let me tell you a little something about Rene Bourque. This guy is handsome. I mean, he is really f-ing handsome. I was never so into Bourque – judging by his pics alone, he looks ok but also kinda like a bit of an asshole who was probably really mean in high school. But the other day, my bff Mada (our fashion correspondent – check her out at and I went to see a game. We went early enough that the team was still practicing and Rene was skating around without his helmet on. Ohhhhhh Myyyyyy Gaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwd. Pictures do not do this man justice. I mean, time stood still when this guy skated by. I don’t think we watched the rest of the game, we just sat there and talked about how hot Rene Bourque is.

Our Rating: 10/10


You know what they say about men with big chins, right? (photo source:

Patches kinda looks like my friend Charles – y’know, if Charles were a professional athlete who spent 12+ hours a day working on perfecting his body, and not a marketing director who spends 12+ hours a day worrying about how his Google SEO is performing. The weirdness of that resemblance aside, I think Max is one sexy dude.  Did I mention that he scored more goals than Sidney Crosby this season?

Our Rating: 10/10


Yes please. (photo source:

Pleky seems like a really quiet and reserved guy. I’m not even sure you could find him in da club if you wanted to. Personally, I think he is one of our best looking players, so I needed to include him on the list. Bonus points – he’s one of the only guys who is old enough that I can fantasize about him without having to call my therapist in the morning.

Our Rating: 10/10


And you thought Pacioretty’s was big… (photo credit:

Ok, so he might not have Price’s perfectly sculpted cheekbones, or PK’s glistening abs, but Weise is without a doubt the feel good story of the season. I read an article in the Gazette about his father that made me cry, ok? I cried. And everyone knows that the way to a woman’s heart is through her heart.

Our Rating: 10/10


Danny B
How do you say giggity in french? (gif credit:

Ok, I lied about Subban. I think Danny B might have the sweetest smile in the league. And he has not one, but two, McDonald sandwiches named after him. I mean, seriously, who doesn’t want to eat a BriereLT?

Our Rating: 10/10


No comment. (photo credit:

Andrei Markov is pretty hot, but he’s also extremely terrifying. I mean, that is one intense dude who most certainly does not enjoy speaking about his personal life. I’m almost too scared to mention his sexy cleft chin, and definitely too afraid to get into his penchant for puffy vests. Let’s just say, he’s a good looking guy, and leave it at that.

(photo credit:

Our Rating: 10/10

Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) there are more hot Habs than there is time to write about them. Did we miss your favourite? Let us know in the comments!

Thanks for reading and GO HABS GO!!

(editor’s note: Most of these guys are married and don’t want none of your mess.)

**WAIT!  Aren’t you the Comedy WIVES? Happily married to Comedy HUSBANDS? 

Well, yes. Fortunately my husband is well aware of my appreciation for hockey players, just as I’m aware of his appreciation for Victoria’s Secret models, Hollywood starlets, and the pretty young lady at Sephora who cooed over our toddler daughters and asked if he needs a “babysitter” (Bitch, maybe, we have been meaning to see The Winter Soldier). But, like most happy, confident couples, we don’t let a little thing like manic, insatiable lust for other people get in the way of a meaningful relationship.**

One thought on “Top 10 Hottest Habs

  1. Fully laughed out loud the first time I read this. Then laughed even louder the 2nd time. The is GOLD. Also, I wish we could buy tickets to just watch the warm up at hockey games and then go home.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *