Hotly anticipated by those of us in the “wives” game, the W reality show Hockey Wives debuted its first season last week. I already love this show. Finally we have a reality television show that my husband and I can watch together. He gets to enjoy seeing hockey players in their regular life, and I get to enjoy hockey players with their shirts off. Everybody wins. I mean, can you think of a reality show that you are more likely to get your man-type partner to watch with you? My husband and I haven’t been so riveted at the same time since we happened to tune in to the first episode of Game of Thrones.
Hockey Wives offers a fascinating glimpse at the lives of the wives and girlfriends (WAGS) of a selection of sexy hockey players. The show has everything: drama, big-ass homes, monster diamonds, hockey players not wearing shirts, (did I mention that already?) But most of all, the show tilts the focus from the men on the ice to the fabulous and gorgeous ladies who happen to live with famous hockey gods. As you would suspect, they’re pretty amazing too, not to mention stunning.
It’s a good thing these ladies are gorgeous and confident and amazing, because, as the show makes clear right away, there are other ladies just waiting in the wings after games, anxious to steal hockey players away from existing WAGS. Sure the WAGS are aware that these women are throwing themselves at their husbands after every game, but as Tiffany said in the after-show Google hangout “you have to feel sorry for them, they look thirsty.” Still, trust is a unique sort of challenge when your dude spends a lot of time on the road.
What’s that you say? That sounds familiar? Comedians also tend to spend a lot of time on the road dealing with the sorts of temptations inherent to that sort of lifestyle? Why yes! I could tell you for instance about the one time that my husband was straight-up offered a BJ after a comedy show by a venturesome fan, and though flattered, he responded with, “no thank you, but have you considered my friend Justin? He is also a comedian, and he is single.” The lady in question agreed to the compromise, instead taking ‘Justin’ (not his real name) upstairs for the most slightly above average ten minutes of his life.
So yeah, I can totally relate. But more than there are similarities, there are a whole whack of differences. Let’s delve in shall we? Here are the top ten ways hockey wives are different than comedy wives.
1 – Hockey Wives have more money.
Obviously. One of my favourite scenes in the first episode of Hockey Wives is where Tiffany Parros is talking about the uncertainty she is facing now that her husband does not have a contract. She is also sitting in one of, like, four living rooms in her house that would have been nice enough to film in, while also waving around one of the most ginormous rings I’ve ever seen.
Look, Making people laugh doesn’t always bring in the big bucks. That’s not to say it’s not possible, I’m really only talking about comedy wives I know here. I imagine Chevy Chase’s wife lives a bit differently than I do, but we’re not buds.
2 – Hockey husbands are surrounded by more ‘thirsty ladies.’
So look, our husbands are sexy too, maybe in a more goofy funny way than in a hot, fit, alpha male kind of way. But they do get up on a stage and tell large groups of people what they think about, and that can be sexy. Sometimes there are other ladies who are attracted to ‘the man on stage’, and we just have to lump it, because let’s face it, isn’t that a small part of what drew us in in the first place? So yeah, we get it too.
Hockey wives however have to deal with this on a whole other level. They are married to top athletes who spend their lives being better than all other men doing what they do, in the world, on a national stage. But then, they are also just regular, sexy, dudes behind the scenes, who just need a good woman to love them. (swoon) Did I mention the abs involved here? HOOO mama.
Comedians on the other hand are usually not regular down-home boys behind the scenes, they are much more likely to be obsessive, smart-mouthed, attention loving, and just plain weird.
3 – Hockey Wives have dogs, comedy wives have a bunch of cats.
4 – Comedy leads to fewer devastating injuries.
Not none, mind you, I remember hearing about some pretty wicked bar brawls, and my own comedy husband is still recovering from an injury he received managing a professional wrestling tag-team. But still, a comedian can sit on a stool and tell jokes with a torn ACL.
5 – Comedy Wives come in all shapes and sizes, Hockey wives come in just one: gorgeous.
6 – A hockey wife might be starring in a sitcom with Charlie Sheen.
A comedy wife will be sitting next to her husband on the couch watching a sitcom with Charlie Sheen while he complains about “why is this guy still on television? How does Charlie Sheen still have a TV show and I don’t?”
8 – Comedians have more teeth than hockey players. Oh wait, actually, plenty of comedians are alcoholics, forget 8.
9 – 75% or hockey marriages end in divorce after the player retires. Comedians will break up with you before the first date is over.
I think that was the statistic mentioned by one of the Hockey Wives on the first episode, I can’t be sure because I was busy looking at her rock, I mean rack, no I mean rock. Also, in a hockey divorce, you can likely expect a ton of money, in a comedian divorce you can expect half of a hefty credit card debt and 2000 unsold comedy CDs. (you wouldn’t throw out the last remaining copies of night in the comedy sub-basement would you?)
10 – Your husband would whip my husband in a fight.
Every time. My guy would be like “waka waka,” and your guy would be like “wham!” And the fight would probably be my husband’s fault anyway, because of his smart mouth.
So, to be clear, no offence was intended by any of my jokes herein. Hockey wives are very pretty and their husbands have great abs.
Watch episode one here and tune in tonight for the next episode of Hockey Wives.