Vampires come in many shapes and specialties, while one can take the form of a bat, another can fly, and a special few can be both vampires and werewolves, but only after that pesky moon curse is broken. (And fine, maybe some of them glitter.)

In spite of this endless variety, there are two things that all vampires have in common; they all eat humans and they are all made from humans. How do you make a vampire out of a human? Each type of vampire has a different recipe, but all must transition from human form. As in, “Stephan! What’s happening to her?” Elena cries. “She’s transitioning.” Stephan replies, his chiseled brow darkening ominously.


As I’ve formerly noted, I think vampires are real and that they’re called comedians. Of course comedians are also made of humans, and of course there’s a transitioning stage, with its own special signs and challenges. That’s what I’ve brought you here (from Facebook) to talk about, and I will, but first, let’s explore some ways that we can be transitioning.

invite me in

Signs that you may be transitioning:

1. You’ve been bitten by a vampire repeatedly over the course of several nights. Nobody knows what’s ailing your, and then stupid eighteenth century doctors are bleeding you because they don’t know what else to do and feel that they have to rid you of the bad humors, a process that, ironically, only hastens your death. Or,

2. You are aged 11-14 and  you are going through puberty. Your body is changing in weird ways and your hormones are making you into a crazy beast with very little in common with the person you once were. You are transitioning. If this is you, I’m sorry, it pretty much sucks. But we all get through it and you’ll feel like yourself again in a few years. Or,

3. You are a trans-gendered person undertaking the process of aligning your outward presentation with your correct gender. If this is you, good luck and godspeed! Or,

4. You have had all your blood drained by a vampire. The moment before your last breath escaped your body,  he used his unreasonably sharp fingernail to tear into his wrist and let his dark blood flow into your Mouth. At first you refused the gift, but all at once something changed and you began to drink more eagerly, and ever more voraciously until his other lace-fringed arm darted forth to gently pull your head back. Or,

5. You’ve stopped using shampoo. Following the advice of some stupid Internet fad, you’ve started cleaning your hair with baking soda and apple cider vinegar. For the first few weeks after you do this your hair is greasy and disgusting, but don’t worry, you’re just transitioning. According to the blog post you read, and the hundreds of comments, you’ll come out the other side with thick, soft, ‘poo free hair. You hope. Or

6. You were were drained by a vampire, forced to drink their blood, but then also you were buried in the cold hard ground with that vampire over the course of one day, only to rise as a vampire yourself the following night. Or,

7. You are a Timelord from Galifrey and your body has been fatally wounded in a battle with the Daleks. Your skin becomes luminescent and blinding yellow lights start shooting out of your pores as you conveniently regenerate into a new body. Or,

8. You have been doing comedy for a couple of years and are now starting to take it more seriously, maybe you’ve quit your day job, maybe you’ve booked yourself a trip to New York or LA just to really give it a shot. You are either transitioning into a comedian, or into a shittier person who is not funny. We won’t be sure until this awful phase is over.

There you have it. Transitions. I feel like you might have questions, here are some questions:

How do you know if a person is transitioning into a comedian?

You can never tell if he or she is transitioning into a comedian, or just a bigger jerk until the transition is complete, but you can be certain of one thing, either way they won’t be a pleasant to be around during this time.

The main indication that a comedian is transitioning can be seen in the hair. Something is different with their hair. Maybe it is just more attention has been put to it, they have some sort of more noticeable hairstyle, maybe it is way too long and douchey, but in every case there will be more grease present than normal. You heard it here first, greasy hair is a sure sign of a transitioning comedian. Unless you’re doing the no-poo thing, then your hair will also be greasy. Beside the point.

Photo by Josh Baluyot

Why the greasy hair?

I don’t know why the transition makes the comedians hair more greasy, but I do have a theory. During this time, the comedian’s ego is too big for his or her head to contain, this might add a great deal of strain to around the head and hair area, resulting in an excessive production of grease that no amount of grooming can quite hide. And trust me, there will be plenty of grooming during this period.

mike hair

Should I date a transitioning comedian?

I mean, I would wait until the transition is over, especially since this period is often accompanied by the desire to leave town, break up with their significant other, and force their schtick upon another city or even country. But, you know, the heart wants what it wants, and if that’s a greasy, egotistical comedian, then well, best of luck to you.

What do I do if I run in to someone who is transitioning into a vampire?

By all accounts transitioning vampires are dangerous and unable to control their base instincts. If you happen upon a transitioning vampire in the wild, do not mistake him or her for the more sophisticated and sexy vampires proper, who are better able to push down their need for your blood and attention. I would suggest casually popping up your collar, to hide your neck a bit, and slowly backing away. Do not make any sudden movements and do not make eye contact with the Vampyr.


What do I do if I run into someone who is transitioning into a comedian?

Same advice as for vampires.

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