Wanda Reviews Outlander, Just the f***ing and the Chests

Episodes 1-3

This series begins in fine form, with our heroine being a tough hero and then swigging champagne straight out of the bottle. I know I’m going to like this show right away, but I do wonder, where did that champagne come from? Compared to either of the time periods in this series, I live in unchecked decadence, and yet even I don’t have a champagne bottle stored away in my larder for spontaneous world-changing celebrations. But sure, after a long and brutal war in some town that has likely already been eaten out of house and home by the soldiers and doctoring stations set up there, some random lady hands Claire a nearly full champagne bottle and then walks away. Fine, I will accept this for the sake of watching our hero chug it back and look tough, what with the blood on her face and the toughness.

claire1The opening credits are perfect! The music is great, they toss us some  things we remember from the books, and there’s just enough tartan in the whole thing to really whet our appetites.  At one point a woman’s hand clutches a bed sheet, and that is followed immediately by a quick flash of Scotsman, so you know exactly what we’re getting into here. And I’m ready. I’ve been a good(ish) girl, and I deserve this.

Episode 1 : Sassenach, or Sex with Frank

Sex 1: Vacation sex

The first sex scene happens when Claire and Present-day husband Frank  arrive at their quaint Scottish bed and breakfast. After sampling the squeakiness of the bed springs, (I get it, this is also the very first thing my comedy guy does every single time we walk into a hotel room) things get sexy.

This scene is tender and awkward, with Frank bringing up “new attempts to start a family” in a way that tells us this had been an issue for them before the war. But no worries, Claire overcomes the awkward moment with playfulness, getting her oh so serious husband to jump on the bed with her.

Awkwardness over, it’s time for Claire to seal the deal,  telling Frank about how she would try to remember his laugh during her harder moments, and getting a tender story in return. Such a sweet scene! The war! Lady hero! Loneliness! Claire moves things along with a kiss, and just as he’s about to go into some boner-killing serious talk, she goes down! – Wait – no, it’s not that kind of scene, she’s just going down on her knees and then pulling her husband down for more intimate kissing, but they obviously wanted our minds to go there. Well done Outlander!

Frank’s all, “Claire, let’s be serious. We don’t have time for BJs”

We don’t get the actual sex, just the aforementioned bed springs sproinging, but that’s fine, I don’t think I could have handled any more tenderness right then. I will admit that I much preferred the fake-out blowjob over any deep eye-contact and intense-feelings sexy time.

Way to let us know there’s emotions and sex without giving us a heavy eye contact boning scene. Nothing kills my lady-stiffy more than two half-naked actors writhing and sharing intense loving eye contact. It’s just gross! Who actually makes eye contact during sex? Are you nuts? How am I supposed to keep picturing someone else (Jamie?) while looking my actual partner in the eye?

Landlady's all, "Oh yeah, get it on!"
Mrs Baird’s into it.

Anyway, our hero and her husband look much happier in the next scene, they’ve managed to work out some of their friction.. with friction. After popping their sex-vacation-cherry they can now move on to some salient plot points. (Matters I have less interest in.)

Speaking of cherries, the uncle Lamb scene has a young actress lighting a cigarette, but it looks like the smoke and the cherry might have been done in after effects. Reminds me of that scene in Game of Thrones we were all speculating about, with the Lady of the Eyrie and her weird son sucking on her breasts. How did they get away with having a child actor do that?

“things not suitable for a lady of gentle birth”

Sex 2: Fooling around in Dusty Ruins

Do you think maybe we’ll see this room again?

Anyway, Frank, the old buzz-kill, gets things started in this scene by telling Claire: “Don’t get dirty” Come on Frank, get with the program! Claire clearly likes to get dirty. Obviously, since the next second we find out she’s not wearing any underwear for her day traipsing through overgrown ruins. Now let’s stop here for just a moment, I need to talk to Claire. All right lady, I get that you’re trying to get your married sexy back, but did you even think  for a second there might be scratchy underbrush in these ruins? Anyway, fine, carry on, Frank is about to kiss her, un-pause.

Nope! He doesn’t get to kiss her at all! Or at least not on her upper mouth. (heh heh) Instead she does that slightly creepy thing usually reserved for male characters where she pushes his head down.

do it Frank!

BOOM! Second sex scene in the series and we already have cunnilingus!  Just excuse me while I high-five myself several times and refill my wine. Outlander! Everything I ever wanted from my television! Go on Claire! Get yours.

Is is weird that I’m concerned about the sweatiness of her nether regions here? I should probably stop that right now. Like in most historical romances, the general concept of smell will probably need to be ignored for wide swaths of the time.

Non-sex, plot-type stuff:

The next scene of any interest to me is the palm-reading scene. This is great because Mrs. Graves tells Claire that she’s a dirty dirty dog, or, well she says, “to be polite about it yer husband isna likely to stray far from your bed. tee hee. ” And Claire’s like “I won’t tell a lie. I’m good at it.” (Sex I mean.) Also,

Jamie’s ghost!  (Maybe?) I remember this scene from the book. It was weird. I love how they did it.

Sex 3: Firelight and jealousy

We’re back in the quaint lodgings for the next sex scene. I love Claire’s evening wear. I mean, when I’m having a late-night scotch in my bed and breakfast with my comedy husband, you better believe I’m wearing something comfortable and boring. Maybe a baggy t-shirt and some tiny shorts, if I’m really feeling frisky we might see a low-cut tank top come into play. What you will not be seeing me in is a gorgeous gauzy peach evening gown clearly meant to be worn exclusively at home.  Where does one even buy such a thing? Would I have to fall through time into the 1950s?

evening wear

And yet, despite how nice Claire has dressed up, and how cozy they are in the firelight, Frank is all wrapped up in his jealous feelings. His recent ghost encounter has brought up some emotions he’s been harboring about the time Claire spent as a WWII nurse, what with all the soldiers and the nursing.

Fortunately Frank is not an unreasonable man, not to mention a generous lover (see sex scene 2) so they quickly move on to more sex. Here is where we get a bit more of that intense eye contact, or at least heavy and serious kissing, not to mention some pretty sweet and perky boobies. (Chest!) I like how Frank lifts Claire’s leg up, like he knows just how to scratch that itch. This is some good married people sex, although, let’s face it, Frank’s chest is nothing to write home about. I’m about ready for that fall through time!

More stuff happens, Claire goes back in time wearing a very unsuitable white dress, meets and is almost raped by her husband’s direct ancestor, and finally is saved and then kidnapped by an apparently smelly man in a kilt. (Would you look at that! The smelliness of historical times gets a mention!) Ah kilts. Thank you once again, this show, for existing.

Jamie’s Chest:

After a terse meeting With Dougal Mackenzie we are introduced to Jamie’s chest. His face ‘aint half bad either but we meet his chest first, which is all as it should be. First he is hidden by a knot of men in front of the fire. Because his shoulder is dislocated, a good deal of his chest is exposed and glistening in the firelight. His arm, the one Claire fixes because she’s a hero, is simply delightful. I could stare at that arm for hours, and I can’t wait to see more of the chest it’s attached to.


OK another thing. Why would they have Claire ride with the one man who’s injured? I mean it’s already annoying for him to ride, and it must me more so with another passenger.  Whatever, at least we get to see more of Jamie. Mmm Jamie. He’s perfect, just like I remember him from masturbating in the nineties. Thank you, one more time, Outlander TV show, for existing.

Episode 2: Castle Leoch or, more of Jaimie’s chest

It’s so handy that Jamie was shot in the shoulder, and that the best light in the 17th century was to be gotten from firelight, so as that we get to see more of Jamie’s chest by the gentle light of the fire. Also he just happens to be wearing a kilt the whole time.



Episode 3: The way out, or no chest.

I enjoyed this episode, but there’s nothing to talk about here. See you next time!

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